the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
