Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i will never coherently bang her
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
