I'm going to jail i love you
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
