I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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