I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
