So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
