Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
