i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
