Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
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