I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
