He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize