the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
