I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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