I accidentally had phone sex last night
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
