Where did you get a picture of my penis
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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