Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize