ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
