never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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