Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
