im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
