Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
