Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
