Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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