her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
