Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
