last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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