You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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