I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
