phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
