Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I don't deserve a penis
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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