i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Come share oat with me in your robe
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
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