Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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