She is in my trunk
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
