Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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