I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize