Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
