just survived the first fart of the relationship.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Randomize
