He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
