Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize