Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
