yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
