well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
