I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize