I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
