This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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