Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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