I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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