there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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