do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
