I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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