I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
