I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
