Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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