I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
