I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
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