I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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