I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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