rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
