i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
