This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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