I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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