i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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