Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
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