Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
